alligators

The things they do in Florida for minimum wage….

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Open wide:

Land of the gator. I want to see that guy’s resume. Do you need post graduate work for his position. How many resume lines would be needed to describe this?:

They glued the gator’s mouth together for it to have its pictures taken with children. Of all ages:

Wow, he looks happy:

He was talking about getting hickeys from the gators. Whatever happens in Gatorland after dark, stays at Gatorland, that’s all I’m saying.

Moving right along. This was my favorite gator:

I love the smile. I am in love with this monster. I pretended it was posing on America’s Next Top Model. “Fierce fierce fierce, smile with your eyes, smile with your eyes.”

This one was telling Tyra to kiss his or her ass:

Now that is fierce. Hello, Whitney a plus size, as you joking? OK, no more editorializing about the Greatest and Most Important Show of All Times. Back to Gatorland:

Above, photos of the critter sunning itself. Below, smoked with a nice mustard dipping sauce:

The non Bourdain-esque verdict: tasted like chicken.

I’ve also observed that the alligator, while having a pretty ferocious reputation is also super-lazy:

I was waiting for these things to do something. Pretty much all my photos of the gators are in that position, some of them eyes closed. They did move around at one moment — feeding time. Behold:

I was expecting flying gators, but my friend I went with said that we’d have to outfit the gators with jet engines for them to really get airborne. Great idea. How has no one gotten on that bandwagon yet?

Irritating the wildlife

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When you visit the lovely Everglades…:

You try not to irritate:

the wildlife:

Dark photo, I know, but the animal, it is there. I bet the alligator doesn’t use the fact it is the same color as the water to its advantage. But on our little trek through the Everglades, one person decided irritating this 8 foot reptile whose kill switch is god only knows where was a good idea:

This was our intrepid guide through the Everglades, a lifelong resident of the region. How did he decide to irritate the wildlife? Well, he thought it would be wise to throw marshmallows into the water for that half ton killing machine to eat. And then decided to grab that thing by its snout. Capn’ Everglades would not allow me to photograph that. I have no idea why. Did I mention he told me to “give mom the camera and get in the water” to have a up close and personal photo with our calm, docile friend?

Do I look like someone who wants to be featured on the Oddball segments on Keith Olbermann? Uh, the answer to that is … no.

And here is some irritating wildlife:

Now I don’t usually mind the wildlife, as long as it doesn’t sit and stare at me waiting to be fed, but Mr. Pelican over here bordered on the really irritating. Capn’ Everglades assured me that the thing was harmless, but I wasn’t convinced. Pelican — you took it too far.

Sampling Florida’s culinary delights

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Love how pork is in really small letters here:

And I could wash it down with:

Or, if I wanted to spice things up a bit, I’d could use any of these:

Dimpled chads anyone?:

Well, we are in Florida after all, the reason George “I scraped bird shit off a fighter jet in Texas air national guard to avoid the draft” Bush is the supreme leader of the world.

But this last one, well, as usual, it is the best:

I’ve been searching for this for over five years. I saw it at some restaurant in Virginia forevers ago and unfortunately, didn’t take a picture of it. Now we are reunited and I am now the proud owner of a bottle of this substance. I am truly pathetic. Oh and a close up of the bottle? OK:

Perhaps they should have one called “Cheney’s Breathe?” Just a suggestion.