america’s next top model

The things they do in Florida for minimum wage….

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Open wide:

Land of the gator. I want to see that guy’s resume. Do you need post graduate work for his position. How many resume lines would be needed to describe this?:

They glued the gator’s mouth together for it to have its pictures taken with children. Of all ages:

Wow, he looks happy:

He was talking about getting hickeys from the gators. Whatever happens in Gatorland after dark, stays at Gatorland, that’s all I’m saying.

Moving right along. This was my favorite gator:

I love the smile. I am in love with this monster. I pretended it was posing on America’s Next Top Model. “Fierce fierce fierce, smile with your eyes, smile with your eyes.”

This one was telling Tyra to kiss his or her ass:

Now that is fierce. Hello, Whitney a plus size, as you joking? OK, no more editorializing about the Greatest and Most Important Show of All Times. Back to Gatorland:

Above, photos of the critter sunning itself. Below, smoked with a nice mustard dipping sauce:

The non Bourdain-esque verdict: tasted like chicken.

I’ve also observed that the alligator, while having a pretty ferocious reputation is also super-lazy:

I was waiting for these things to do something. Pretty much all my photos of the gators are in that position, some of them eyes closed. They did move around at one moment — feeding time. Behold:

I was expecting flying gators, but my friend I went with said that we’d have to outfit the gators with jet engines for them to really get airborne. Great idea. How has no one gotten on that bandwagon yet?

It is time for a new camera…..

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The reason I started taking pictures was because the images would just appear in front of me and I wanted to capture them. Now for a while that involved using a camera and equipment the size of my head that totally took the spontaneity out of things completely, so I started shooting with this tiny little digital camera that totally changed the perspective on photographs. Sometimes I still get good results. Other times not so much.

Case in point — my shots of Miami Beach. OK, I am going to quote Tyra Banks right now, but I was walking through Miami Beach and it was “boom, fierce, boom, fierce,” like the shots were literally setting themselves in front of me. It was unbelievable. That’s only happened to me a few times in my life. Of course I don’t have a regular SLR or a digital one, so these things I’m posting are to show how amazing Miami Beach was and to remind me I do not need another pair of jeans or black cardigan from H&M.

Here goes with the photos (I don’t actually mean to rhyme. It just kinda happens):

This is the life:

So is this:

This was missing the word “group.” Just kidding:

What is this art deco manse?:

It is a:

Isn’t the world just nicer with some pink thrown in there and tons of sunlight?

America’s Next Top Model

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First things first. Don’t ask me what this is about. I assume he’s doing yoga or something or signaling people from space. Ok, I’m posting this because I think its a funny photo:

Yeah, ok, he’s making some kind of point. Who is he you ask? This is Jim Cramer, former major league money manager, host of Mad Money and occasional grand-mal freak-out-er. Mad Money is a show where Cramer throws things, screams and generally acts like a lunatic. BUT, under all of that, he does a really good job explaining and breaking down the markets. Occasionally, I think he’s wrong, but even he admits as much.

Anyway, Cramer is not the center of this post. Why would I have called it “America’s Next Top Model”? Well, last season Tyra Banks had a photo shoot where each girl had to take a photo where she had to express an emotion. Sad, happy, un-medicated psychotic, you name it, the hamsters (that’s what the internets calls the contestants) had to do it because there is no other god than Tyra.

I came home and I saw Cramer Cramering it up with his show, and I snapped some photos of him. Then, I thought, why not bring two heretofore not paired together people — Ms. Tyra and former professional computer keyboard thrower Jim Cramer.

Cue the America’s Next Top Model music. Na na na wanna be on top? Na na na na. No, really. That is the intro music, sung by Tyra because its all about Tyra. Always.

So, here is Cramer, in doing his fiercest poses, coming one stop closer towards becoming America’s Next Top Model:

Here he is in quiet repose:

Coquettish Cramer

Cramer looking like he can’t believe what those people at the Fed are saying:

And, a Cramer trademark — the angry pointing into the audience:

Here he seems to have been inspired by Donald Trump with the hand movements:

From my perspective, Cramer achieves every look in the photos, but will Tyra and company like it?

Here is my imagined America’s Next Top Model panel session:

But now it is time for your individual evaluations and Cramer, you are up first.

Tyra: Your photos are strong, but I am not sure if you are high fashion enough. I mean I can do ugly poses, but make them look high fashion. Look at this one in quiet repose. I mean your neck is completely gone.

Mr. Jay: You should have worked the hair and makeup a little bit more. I mean a top model can work any look she has. Show them Tyra. You have to try to be soft and more expressive with your eyes.

Mrs. Jay: Oh honey, don’t even get me started on the runway walk.

Tyra: We are not judging that today, but to go further in the competition, your poses have to fiercer, stronger. Do you really want this? I mean I was walking the haute couture runways of Paris when I was 17 years old, because I wanted it.

Photographer, with a foreign accent: Cramer, he was the least co-operative of all the models. I don’t know. He kept saying things about P/E ratios and risk arbitrage. I am photographer, not a mathematician.

Tyra: In this industry, the model is a blank canvas. It is the model’s job to follow the photographer’s instructions.

Cramer: Hey, Natalia, how did I end up in this mad fantasy of yours? Huh? Why am I here? The Fed isn’t curbing the sub-prime mess and I am here listening to how I should be more expressive with my eyes? Where’s a computer? Can I throw it at you?

Natalia: Ok, Cramer. Calm down. You end up in this fantasy because you disappointed me. I watch your show and I think its great. I convince others that you are not a total lunatic, but that little outburst… I’ll stay a fan. I won’t do the boo-ya, but if you have an outburst like that again, back into Top Model purgatory you will go. Understand? Ok.